Shadows on the Sun

A couple of years ago, I was invited to my best friend’s barbeque party that was held the weekend after the Election Day. Naturally, conversation turned to politics, and we had a lively debate, once I proudly declared that I voted for the Liberal Party. The lovely women (including my friend’s mother) ganged up on me and told me that I was going against the Bible and that I was voting for “pedophiles and lesbians”. The mother also threatened to withhold her tiramisu recipe from me – a fate harsher than death, if you ever tasted her tiramisu.

“How can you be so patient with them?” someone asked me later.

Why, that’s easy. They saved my life.

Years ago, I was homeless, without a place to go. My situation was so convoluted, it would take too long to describe. My best friend, and her mom, and her entire family, were there for me constantly and unwaveringly. They listened to my story. They fed me. When I collapsed on the floor at their home, they nursed me back to health. They let me call them when I was in between shelters, and out on the street. They stood by me, day after day, for over a year, while I was on the street, and then, for several more years, as I was transitioning into a normal life.

Because of them, I live.

Slightly less than a decade ago, during the Bible study, the hostess scolded me in front of everyone, for having issues with the doctrine of wifely submission.  I was singled out and scolded. The women shook their heads at my “sinful” attitude.

“I’d walk out and never come back!” some people commented. “Why didn’t you?”

Why, that’s easy. She’s been like a second mother to me.

I became a Christian at the age of 16. At the age when I needed someone to guide me into adulthood, she was there for me. She took me under her wing, and talked to me freely and openly about sexuality, women’s health, men, and importance of higher education for women. 

A professional hairdresser, she cut my hair for free for over 5 years, and taught me how to apply lipstick and mascara. She listened to my confessions, she prayed for me, and she told her life story to me, hoping that I would avoid making the same mistakes she did. Through her example, she taught me how to love unconditionally, and how to establish boundaries. 

She fed me, I fixed her computer, her children drew pictures for me, her cat scratched me, and her fish darted to stare at me whenever I approached the fish tank.  Her door was always open to me. When I was leaving the city, she told me, “Should you ever come back, you can always stay with me. For as long as I have a home, you have a place to stay.”

Because of her, I know the meaning of family.

 When I was 12, I got into a fight with an elderly lady that I was friends with. She was racist, I KNEW she was wrong, and I walked out after the fight, and slammed the door behind me. Then, weeks later, I knocked on her door and she opened it. She was happy to see me.

“I thought you’d never come again,” she said.

I saw the light in your window, and remembered all the good conversations we had.

That year, we became friends through our cats, and better friends, through our conversations. She had a treasure that I envied – a book containing the 4 gospels, over a century old. Night after night, I sat down at her place and read through the gospels. We talked a little about them, and the icon depicting the Mother of God glowed peacefully and warmly on the wall. We weren’t sure what to make of the gospels, but we knew we both liked them a lot, and instantly, we had a bond between us.

Because of her, I have faith.

A friend who used to be a member of an underground church in  Russia has stories about people sacrificing themselves for each other, and putting themselves in danger for the sake of others. Those were the same people who circled around her, called her a whore, and slapped her face for wearing makeup.

She remembers them well. She speaks of them kindly, but she doesn’t smooth over the rough parts of the story.

How can it be? How can it be that people, who are capable of deep, selfless love, are also capable of callousness and cruelty? Can two kinds of fruit grow on the same tree? Can good water and bad water be drawn from the same well? Apparently, they can, they do, and they are.

No matter how hard we try, how loving or selfless we are, there will come a time when we disappoint someone, or offend someone, or hurt someone’s feelings. Even the closest friendship can become a place of ache, fear, rejection or disillusionment. The shadow of sin taints even the brightest suns.

Those shadows of ours, they perplex and vex, dishearten and terrify. Some people can see nothing but shadows when they look at the sun. I think that’s a mistake. However flawed our friendships and relationships are, however imperfect or painful, they are ultimately what sustains us. 

Galina Freed

Comments

[Dorcas]

Oh my, Galina, what a profoundly beautiful post. I just spent over two hours with a woman who has done damage with her sharp tongue and her "preachy" attitude, and during the conversation I also saw a kind heart and a passion for Jesus Christ that I wish many could emulate. Aren't we humans a mixed bunch of contradictions? Thank you for reminding me, and for causing me to, once again, ponder the grace of God.